June 8, 2010: Keeping in Step with Truth

Grace is keeping your life in step with the truth in your heart. I took a major step, with God's help, to get to that place. No more lies. No more hiding. Getting it out. Being strong. The immediate aftermath has been painful, but necessary. "Pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth." I left him after all this time. I am pained by causing this man deep hurt and disappointment. However, I have to stay away or else I'll get sucked in and pulled down by his dependent heart. It is his choice whether or not he grows from the break-up by finding a new path. My decision is to grow my faith in the omnipresent spirit that governs us all and to live life to the fullest. It's ironic how empowering it feels to live in my truth when it took so long to find the courage to take the first step. Grace occurs mysteriously.

May 31, 2010: A dance without grace=disgrace

I am stepping on his toes and moving against the tempo of beautiful notes. I have screwed it up because I don't see the forest for the trees. I couldn't see the good I had because of minor disturbances. I was so uncoordinated in this relationship that I had to flee the dance floor. I couldn't surrender myself into his loving arms. I couldn't find the courage to be a woman with dignity and grace. Once again, I ran away because of the fear of losing myself. It's a pattern I need to shake. Dear God, show me how much you love me by helping me find the grace within my heart to work this through. Give me a sign letting me know if I am doing the right thing.

May 30. 2010: Regret is not at all graceful

Did I do the right thing? I left without giving it a second chance. He said our relationship deserved a second chance but I wouldn't grant it. I felt I'd been trying for so long to make it work and I gave it all the second chances I had in me. Would he have been able to inherently change? Would I have had the ability to become less co-dependent in our relationship? I still have feelings of love for him despite the deep unhappiness I felt while in our relationship. Could it still work? Regretting doesn't feel like a graceful act to me at all. But, I'm free...

May 25, 2010: SOS

Grace = honesty. The swirling seas of my heart come from not being honest about my relationship. I am with-holding my truth because I am afraid and filled with shame. But, that only creates a storm in my heart. Why am I so afraid? Honesty will set me free and I will once again live in a state of grace. Help me find the courage within myself to set things right!

May 18, 2010: Epiphany

Grace is knowing God lovse me. Not just believing, but owning it in the core of my heart. I was having tea with a friend and I was lamenting how I have difficulty forgiving myself for my transgressions. She suddenly asked me if I thought God loved me. I had to think about it for a second or two before I answered with an undeniable yes. All I had to do was count all the blessings in my life; all the times God saved me in the nick of time. God loves me so now I have no excuse to forgive myself.

May 13, 2010: Sit still and don't make a mess

One of the secrets of grace -- sitting still. How many times have I reacted too soon and created a mess? Right now, I'm sitting still, waiting for the nod from the Universe that it is time to move on. The time is almost here. I have a plan. All is good. Everything except the pangs of guilt I feel because of the devious nature of my plan. But, I need to leave. I cannot take his negative nature any longer. I cannot stand his animal behavior. I cannot take his gloom and doom stance on the world. I'm grateful for things he did for me, but I need to be in a place where I am free to be myself. I'm sitting still and patiently waiting for the time to go...

Hanging On; Hanging in there.

That's what I'm doing. Hanging on. Hanging in there. I hate where I am... the complicated relationship I am in. But, the grace lives in being grateful for what is... today, in the moment. I