May 31, 2010: A dance without grace=disgrace

I am stepping on his toes and moving against the tempo of beautiful notes. I have screwed it up because I don't see the forest for the trees. I couldn't see the good I had because of minor disturbances. I was so uncoordinated in this relationship that I had to flee the dance floor. I couldn't surrender myself into his loving arms. I couldn't find the courage to be a woman with dignity and grace. Once again, I ran away because of the fear of losing myself. It's a pattern I need to shake. Dear God, show me how much you love me by helping me find the grace within my heart to work this through. Give me a sign letting me know if I am doing the right thing.

May 30. 2010: Regret is not at all graceful

Did I do the right thing? I left without giving it a second chance. He said our relationship deserved a second chance but I wouldn't grant it. I felt I'd been trying for so long to make it work and I gave it all the second chances I had in me. Would he have been able to inherently change? Would I have had the ability to become less co-dependent in our relationship? I still have feelings of love for him despite the deep unhappiness I felt while in our relationship. Could it still work? Regretting doesn't feel like a graceful act to me at all. But, I'm free...

May 25, 2010: SOS

Grace = honesty. The swirling seas of my heart come from not being honest about my relationship. I am with-holding my truth because I am afraid and filled with shame. But, that only creates a storm in my heart. Why am I so afraid? Honesty will set me free and I will once again live in a state of grace. Help me find the courage within myself to set things right!

May 18, 2010: Epiphany

Grace is knowing God lovse me. Not just believing, but owning it in the core of my heart. I was having tea with a friend and I was lamenting how I have difficulty forgiving myself for my transgressions. She suddenly asked me if I thought God loved me. I had to think about it for a second or two before I answered with an undeniable yes. All I had to do was count all the blessings in my life; all the times God saved me in the nick of time. God loves me so now I have no excuse to forgive myself.

May 13, 2010: Sit still and don't make a mess

One of the secrets of grace -- sitting still. How many times have I reacted too soon and created a mess? Right now, I'm sitting still, waiting for the nod from the Universe that it is time to move on. The time is almost here. I have a plan. All is good. Everything except the pangs of guilt I feel because of the devious nature of my plan. But, I need to leave. I cannot take his negative nature any longer. I cannot stand his animal behavior. I cannot take his gloom and doom stance on the world. I'm grateful for things he did for me, but I need to be in a place where I am free to be myself. I'm sitting still and patiently waiting for the time to go...