An important letter

My Dearest Ron,

First of all, let me explain why I'm reading a prepared letter rather than articulating what I need to say directly. I need a little help. I have had a lifelong fear to ask for what I need or want. It's not rational, even if the person I'm asking loves me deeply and desires my happiness. I freeze with panic at the thought of speaking up for myself. You've witnessed my tendency to underestimate my assets and worth; it's frustrating for you and, even more so, for me. Without over-analyzing it, my reticence comes from how I coped with my father. It felt safer for me to be silent, stuffing my feelings and needs, rather than risking arousing his anger, disapproval or punishment. Obviously, you are not Dad and there is so reasonable or just cause for me to be afraid to express my concerns, desires and needs with you. I hope you understand why this time, I am reading this letter.  I hope to conquer my fear so that the next time I have something important to share with you, I'll be looking directly into your deep, sea-blue eyes while saying it.

What I want is my own car. (There, it's that simple.) Bottom, line, I want the autonomy, empowerment and sense of ownership that my own vehicle will give me. You have been loving, kind and generous to let me use your Yaris whenever I needed it. The arrangement has worked out for us and has been practical. But, this is an important matter for me. If I were able, I would go out and purchase the car I want and need. Presently, I don't have the means to do that, especially since retiring a year ago... with your encouragement, blessing and approval. Therefore, I am asking you to buy it for me. If you strongly feel you can't, I will have to put more time and energy into taking care of myself by returning to work so I will have the means to fulfill this need.

Ron, you know that since we met I haven't asked you for much. I intend this to be the beginning of better communication on our part. I've been anxious about how you will receive this, but my need for my own car is no small thing for me. Now that I've said what's been on my mind, I'm taking a big, deep breath, knowing that you want our relationship to grow stronger and deeper, and that you love me and care about me very much. These are feelings I return to you with all my heart. 

After you reflect upon this, we will talk.

I love you truly and deeply,

It's complicated

Yes, indeed. My relationship is complicated. Do I stay? Do I move on? Is it him? Is it me? Are there any more chances for me? Do I have to be happy or is happiness over-rated? Is unhappiness a red flag  or yellow flag? I am not in love with him. I am quite annoyed by him, in fact. Yet again, the man in my life embarrasses me. Did I chose him because I was desperate;  because I don't feel worthy of generosity; because I refuse to let go of my father's emotional abuse and control; because I am a doormat? I am returning to my old pattern of passive aggression and craving freedom. I am also still afraid to make demands or even just consideration. I feel unworthy of anything, anyone, better. We clash. I too often mute my feelings and thoughts, keeping them inside where they fester and swell. Why am I doing this again? I have relinquished my independence again as I fall into the expectation that "daddy" would always take care of me... but at a high cost to my personal happiness. Do I weigh the pros and cons and tally the data to see where the scale tilts? Not much in life comes without a price in some form. I feel disconnected from him, both platonically and romantically. I am withdrawing. I am not sure I can make this work. He is not a bad person and he means well. But, so was my father and he deeply injured me. I am not sure about what I should do; I am paralyzed.