Take a breath...

Take a breath, then another, and another, and so on. We do it continuously through all of our living days without a single thought. My goal to to live each moment in Grace... instinctively. As it is, today I need to live each moment conscious of the Grace it contains. The fact is, I feel blessed when I discover the Grace in even a single brief moment in my day. Hopefully, by being increasingly more conscious of the Grace in my world, my heart will grow in peace and I will become a manifestation of Grace.

It's as easy as...

Achieving Grace is as easy as letting go...

The Grace of Being Okay

This will be brief. The most Graceful spot in the geography of one's life is right where one is exactly in the present moment. The Grace comes from being okay with this point in time and knowledge of the gift it offers... even in the most dire circumstance, there is a hidden gift. Having the Grace to accept the present and see the good in it allows one the freedom to be "okay" with the world.

The Geography of Grace

You can look at your life from a geographical point of view : not by the longitudes and latitudes on the map, but by where you are on the timeline of life.

It is obvious to know where you are chronologically. And, every present moment is the end... until you take another breath and your heart thumps another beat. We're always on the precipice of the end. But, being cerebral beings, we are able to imagine a future that indefinitely extends our timeline. And, memory, for better or worse, tracks the flash points of our past.

I have often dwelled in yesterday. I tortured myself in the "what if' I had or hadn't done this or that" and "if only I could turn back the clock to a happier time" and so many other regrets. I also sought refuge in an imaginary future. I covered so many miles time travelling in my head, that I forgot to live where my feet were planted, i.e. the present moment.

It is good to remember the past because we learn from it, gain strength from our struggles and are nurtured by the joy of many good memories. Looking toward the future gives us hope and a sense of purpose. But, being present exactly where we stand -- making the most of our existence and with gratitude in our hearts -- is the Geography of Grace

Detachment

It is important to know when it is time to detach. Without that, constant Grace will be forever out of reach.

Often, I take people and situations much too personally. I get worked up about them when they challenge my views and beliefs. They trip me up, I lose my balance and I react. If I'm on top of my game, I'll remember to breathe and let go of whatever it was that snagged me. If not, I'll slump into shame because I knew better than to be agitated by something so small. It really didn't matter.

Life is too precious to allow people and situations that really aren't important to poison my existence. Even for a moment.

Grace is finding and maintaining the peace within one's own heart and in believing in one's inherent goodness.

Trapped

I feel like I've fallen into a trap and trying to figure out who's the jailer. I wish I could blame it on him, however the truth is I've incarcerated myself. I am the one who's been digging the hole in order to hide from the truth and deny reality.

There isn't a whole lot of joy down in that darkness, in the pit of my belly. I live in the pretence that everything is just okay. I am afraid to communicate my unhappiness. That's the way it was done in my family when I was growing up. We were scared to speak our minds so we retreated into our dark holes and kept digging deeper and further away. We co-existed, but we rarely touched one another. This is a way of living I am loathe to admit I still practice... even though I know better.

Part of my journey is to set myself free to be myself and enjoy healthy relationships. I want to climb out and live in the sunlight.

Indulgence

Is this an indulgence? I mean, writing about "moi", spewing what may be banalities of the heart. This genre of expression is just a public diary. It's rather interesting to me that in today's world ordinary folks would have the desire to broadcast their private musings and expose their hearts for strangers to examine. And, imagine... I am one of that collective!

Am I being self-indulgent? Or, rather, by sharing my travelogue on the Road to Grace might I give another seeker some comfort? It surely helps me to cast out the inner pain swelling inside my soul out into the Universe. It's a relief. Anyway, it doesn't really matter much... yet. No one has apparently read The Bumpy Road to Grace or is aware it exists.

I'm going to continue pouring out my soul in the hope of getting closer to the State of Grace. I know of at least one person who will benefit from it... me!

Birthdays

Birthdays can be bumps on the journey to Grace. They are points of time that are super-saturated with reflection. They can be filled with joy and celebration or they can be downers. Yesterday, mine was a bit of both. The reflection part is what got me.

I feel I should be in a much better place in life at my age. I should know what I'm doing and where I'm going and do what I want! It's not working out that way at... fifty-six. I'm still seeking a peaceful heart; I'm still looking for terra firma from which to live out my life; I'm still struggling with intimate relationships; I'm still trying to love myself.

The little children at the school where I work were the Grace of my day. Two classes came to my office, where I am the office manager, to sing the Happy Birthday song. The staff and many parents offered best wishes of the day and told me how much they appreciate me. Flowers and plates of brownies; cards and smiles. It was all glorious on the job. At home, a different mood prevailed. My relationship is strained, although he tries very hard. I didn't realize how much I wanted my daughter to be with me, but I didn't do anything to make her a part. The people in my life are so disconnected from each other, especially my close loved ones, that my sense of family is tattered and frail. Also, I'm not in love with my man friend (we're so old that boyfriend has a ridiculous ring to it) and I have not been verbally honest about it. Strain and pain.

The Grace of a birthday can be in the reflection of one's life; taking an honest look at oneself when the heart is hurting to find the way out to a better place.

Self-Analysis

I'm trying to get to the root of the problem; what's preventing me from living the Grace that is present in my life? It's there. It's inherent is everyone's life. The challenge is seeing it and, of coursing being in it. I recognize my world, and the world around me, abounds in Grace. I am awed by the perfect beauty of Nature. But, I routinely minimize my own essential gifts. Funny enough, I know the problem. It the fear that underlies my feeling of not being worthy of living my truth.

I know the secret to my unhappiness; I need to have the courage to change... the strength to pull myself out of the hole I'm digging myself into. Deeper and deeper. I need to be honest yet I'm afraid of airing the truth.

This is enough self-analysis for one morning. I think I'll call it a beautiful day!

Honesty

Okay. Time to get honest. The motivating force behind blogging about Grace is the absence of it.

That is not entirely the truth -- the are a multitude of Grace-filled moments every one of my days. The gift of life is top on the list. But, for the last two years, I have been digging myself into a hole because I have not been embodying Grace in a primary relationship. I am motivated by fear which is sustained by shame. I am not happy but I continue walking in the wrong direction anyway. I am desperately seeking faith to still my fear. I need to have faith in myself and trust that the Universe will take care of me. Meanwhile, I continue to suffocate as I go deeper.

I'm afraid to be honest. What is Grace without living the truth?

Being Grace

Where is there is a peaceful heart, you will meet Grace. It's so simple, yet, for me, it has seemed impossible to achieve in my life. My heart has been restlessly roiling in my chest from since I can remember. Inner peace has been as elusive as a dandelion seed floating in the breeze. I'm learning, now, not to chase it. The secret is in "being" it. Embody Grace and leave all expectations behind. I once saw a book title while browsing the tables in a bookstore in Carmel, God Is a Verb. Ponder that deeply. It is not through worship, but in "God-like" living where we find peace.
I found a clue to the mystery of achieving Grace that day in a bookstore. I wasn't looking, but I was open to the message. What a beautiful world it can be!

First Day of Blogging

Hello World. You are going to be my dumping ground. I hope you may find it amusing... I predict at least one person will.
This is about achieving Grace. After years of inconsistent soul-searching and seeking for meaning in life, I have determined my search all along has been to live with Grace in my heart. There are many bumps in the road behind me; there are surely bumps on the horizon. But, now, armed with the self-knowledge of what's been missing, I have a direction for my journey... and a more concrete purpose.
State of Grace; State of Balance.