Birthdays

Birthdays can be bumps on the journey to Grace. They are points of time that are super-saturated with reflection. They can be filled with joy and celebration or they can be downers. Yesterday, mine was a bit of both. The reflection part is what got me.

I feel I should be in a much better place in life at my age. I should know what I'm doing and where I'm going and do what I want! It's not working out that way at... fifty-six. I'm still seeking a peaceful heart; I'm still looking for terra firma from which to live out my life; I'm still struggling with intimate relationships; I'm still trying to love myself.

The little children at the school where I work were the Grace of my day. Two classes came to my office, where I am the office manager, to sing the Happy Birthday song. The staff and many parents offered best wishes of the day and told me how much they appreciate me. Flowers and plates of brownies; cards and smiles. It was all glorious on the job. At home, a different mood prevailed. My relationship is strained, although he tries very hard. I didn't realize how much I wanted my daughter to be with me, but I didn't do anything to make her a part. The people in my life are so disconnected from each other, especially my close loved ones, that my sense of family is tattered and frail. Also, I'm not in love with my man friend (we're so old that boyfriend has a ridiculous ring to it) and I have not been verbally honest about it. Strain and pain.

The Grace of a birthday can be in the reflection of one's life; taking an honest look at oneself when the heart is hurting to find the way out to a better place.