Walled-in

Shortly after enjoying my Sunday morning routine (sipping freshly brewed coffee while checking my emails, reading the NYT, seeing what three grouchy old men turned up on my senior dating site), all the more slowly as work doesn't beckon, I melted down while driving to, of all places, the yoga studio. A real meltdown like I haven't experienced in a long time. Instead of being grateful and accepting for how kind the Universe is to me, I felt like a prisoner locked away in a cell rather than a free human spirit with a bright, hopeful world surrounding me. The walls of the cell erected by my very own transgressions, resentments and regrets. No wonder I'm alone. I took a glance in the rear-view mirror and saw the flower of youth lost forever. Who would ever love me? Want to make love to me? It's one thing to be fifty-nine and still be with the man who knew me when I was full of bloom and beauty. Why am I even here? I blessed with good physical health... so far. I don't know. It just is. I just am. Here. On earth. I hopes and dreams are withering, drying up, evaporating. I'm getting more philosophical which I think develops as one ages. I am happier for others than for myself. I am happy for my daughters. Their lives and the promise they hold fill my heart with joy. But, my own spark is dying, dying, dying. What's the point? I feel like a failure because I don't see how I'll survive once I stop working. I can't retire successfully. I've made bad choices. My one hope for security, Randy, died. Left me nothing. Then it came to me why it is so important for someone like me to live in the present. I'll surely annihilate myself if I worry about the future and wallow in regrets of the past. I screamed in anger in the car. Why have I closed myself off from love? I started to regain composure when I reminded myself I am sober; how much worse it could be if I weren't. The feelings coming up were worthy of a drink or ten. But, I can't and I won't. So, I have the strength and wisdom to stay sober. That's positive. I try to be in the moment, not straying too far off-center, to keep my heart and mind in balance. I parked my car across the street from the studio. My body still writhing with pent up energy so that I pulled on the hand-brake as far as it would go. As I collected my yoga mat from the trunk, I collected myself, too. I had already made the decision to go to a gentle Yoga 1 class in lieu of the Pilates class when I woke up. Already the Universe was guiding me where I needed to be. When I saw Stella's drum and harmonium on the stage, I felt deep gratitude. Stella's voice is of the spirits. She was the yogi's guest this morning. Making a gentle decision for myself and being blessed with Stella's heavenly voice, I shifted my being -- from utter despair to hope and balance. I felt wall-in by my circumstances -- living in a rented room without freedom to fully be me, alone, hopeless. I still live a one-room existence and I'm still alone but I was cleansed by opening my heart to what is good.