Life happens..

Without a doubt, there have been bumps. One very big one, in fact. My partner/lover/boy friend/fiance/pain-in-the-butt/can't live without him died suddenly from a heart attack while taking a routine walk after work in May. He was the impetus for this blog. He was THE bump in the road I tried to navigate around. (At least I thought he was most of the time; truly, I am the one usually getting in my own way.) It's been nine months since we last said "I love you" (our last words to each other, thankfully) and since I saw his dead body on a gurney in the emergency room, his ears blue from oxygen deprivation and a medical device stuffed in his mouth. His spirit was already set free. The body was not icy cold yet. I held his hand, stroked his hair, kissed his forehead, rubbed his feet... and sobbed. I didn't know where "we" were going, but the Universe made it's ruling. It's time to call Randy to rejoin the astral plane. He is finally at peace... something often said when someone dies But, it's true for Randy. He held a lot of stress, worry and sadness in his soul. He was not happy. He wished I was the answer, but I was not. That was the friction in our love. Looking back, I know I loved him very much. I could never leave him, although the thought of escape from his smothering need for me often entered my mind. And I miss him. I am good at keeping myself company, but I miss the possibility of our relationship; of our love. I feel robbed of that possibility. He was done with life. I was not done with "us". I still had so much to learn and to be. Relationships give life purpose. They are where we practice becoming our best selves. It's easy to be a singleton. It's lonely but one only has oneself to answer to. In a relationship, one has to learn to balance one's own soul needs with another's. We have many relationships in life, big and small; intimate and casual; family and business. But, the possibility of dancing gracefully within the intimacy of a love relationship brings radiance to living. The truth in my present moment, ironically, is to accept my solitary status, to find my center and love myself as I do others. It is a time for uninterrupted reflection and being. It's good. I accept this moment. The path is smooth from where I stand now but I am open to the possibility of new horizons as it twists and turns... even if there are bumps along the way.