Many turns; many surprises

That is, if you actually walk the path. I feel stagnant and grace is not forthcoming from my heart. I do, however, feel grace is in the air. Books, for instance, have been put in front of me that are both inspiring and educational. Jill Bolte Taylor's memoir, about her recovery from stroke is a tribute to the resiliency of the human spirit and the strength of the will. It helped clarify the relationship of the right and left hemispheres of the brain and how brain function is enhanced when they work together. Intelligence is not all left-brain logic, but also a right-brain intuitive energy. To lead a purposeful and rich life, both sides need to engage. Her conclusion goes beyond mere stroke recovery; her final chapters echoed 12-step recovery language. Most folks have challenges which cover a vast spectrum of causes. Jewels such as FEAR is "false expectations appearing real" is just one that comes to mind that can help anyone gripped with fear. The memoir touched a deep part of myself and reinforced a sense of hope. Then, I finally picked up and read Dr. Brian Weiss' Many Lives, Many Masters in which he makes a compelling case for reincarnation. Karmic energy feels real. In my current lifetime, there is concrete evidence of it working. I have been paying a lot for my past indiscretions and sins. And, that is because of the lesson(s) I need to learn in this lifetime (and all my past lives, if reincarnation is a reality). I have stumbled over the same roadblocks time after time: I am afraid to open myself to deep love; I am afraid of speaking my truth; I am afraid to love myself; I am afraid of success. I intimately know the master demon of this life: Daddy. Continuing irrational fear is a manifestation of failing to learn the lesson from the past. It continues to haunt.. until one can overcome it. Randy came into my life to show me love and to give me another opportunity to reconcile my fear of my father. I tried. I didn't make it. At least there was one positive result: I came closer to seeing my fear, I saw it with more clarity and I owned my part. Randy was not easy; he had his own lessons to master. He was relieved of this lifetime abruptly last May. Maybe God took mercy on him as he was perhaps in a lot of spiritual pain. Losing him, though, was part of my Karma. I have loved recklessly. I loved him, but recklessly. I didn't cherish him as I do now. I am in pain. That is another belief that Dr. Weiss found in reincarnation. In human form, man feels pain. In the astral plane, the world in between lives, there is only bliss. That is what Dr. Bolte Taylor felt, by the way, when she lived in her post-stroke right brain. But she hadn't passed on to the other side so recovery was her path. Life is painful; the joyful moments are ephemeral treasures that keep us going. I am not afraid of the transition to the other side, or simply death and nothingness, if that's what it is. I'm not sure. I believe mostly in The Mystery. I sometimes feels I am going to meet Randy again. I felt soul-attachment to him. My title is many turns; many surprises. Yes, I am surprised I am 58 years old without a partner or home. I am struggling but getting by. I am surprised I am sober for 13 years. At one time, I couldn't imagine living without the prospect of a smooth glass of red wine. I am surprised Randy disappeared from Earth and my day-to-day and I am left alone. I need to continue to walk forward on the path of destiny. Standing still I just ruminate and renege on the possibilities lying in the next turn. I must turn my despair into hope; see the glass as half full; rejoice in every moment because therein lies infinity.